Obama's Home Teleprompter Malfunctions During Family Dinner

Hat Tip; Tree

What Old People Do For Fun

Hat Tip; Ree

My 1 day of employment when I retired

So after landing my new job as a
Wal-Mart greeter,
a good find for many retirees,
I lasted less than a day.......

About two hours into my first day on the job
a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman
walked into the store with her two kids, Yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly,

'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you have there.. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,

'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the h... would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

So I replied,

'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,
I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice.

Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't
cut out for this line of work.

Hat Tip; Ree

ANNOYING GPS GAG

Annoying GPS gag might not direct you to your destination, but it's sure to have you laughing all the way there. Just push the button to hear the British female voice deliver one of many unhelpful comments in the style of a GPS. One-liners are sure to strike a chord with drivers.

No actual directions - just for fun! Not to be used for navigation, entertainment only. Comments include,

"I know you are a man, but can you please admit you are lost and ask for directions?",

"I'm sorry we didn't sleep together last night, but can you stop driving like a lunatic?",

"In 50 feet turn off the ball game and put on my favorite Barry Manilow CD.",

"In 100 feet, stop and think, did you lock the back door?', and

"In 100 yards I'm going to talk to you in that special voice which should let you know you've upset me in someway".

Good clean Catholic Joke

* VATICAN HUMOR *

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and hedoesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at
the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning..

'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kph..
(Remember, the Pope is German..)

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the
driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: ' A senator?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who i s it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's
God?'

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'

AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS

An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees!
'What powerful rivers!
'What beautiful animals!
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river,
He heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.


He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder
& saw that the bear was closing in on him.


He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.


He tripped & fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of
Him, reaching for him with his
Left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!'

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'

'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?

Am I to count you as a believer?

The atheist looked directly into the light,

'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?


' Very Well,' said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:



'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.

HOW FIGHTS START

My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

******************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....

*****************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...

******************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station.

And then the fight started...

******************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah , she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

******************************************

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

It's that time of year again

Getting mine in early




Happy Halloween!!
You've been Mooned!!

Hat Tip - Ree

CIRCLE FLIES

A cowboy from Texas attends a social function where Barack Obama is trying to gather more support for his Health Plan. Once he discovers the cowboy is from President Bush’s home area, he starts to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words.

As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy says, “Y’all havin’ some problem with them circle flies?”

Obama stopped talking and said, “Well, yes, if that’s what they’re called, but I’ve never heard of circle flies.”

“Well Sir,” the cowboy replies, “circle flies hang around ranches. They’re called circle flies because they’re almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.”

“Oh,” Obama replies as he goes back to rambling. But, a moment later he stops and bluntly asks, “Are you calling me a horse’s ass?”
“No, Sir,” the cowboy replies, “I have too much respect for the citizens of this country to call their President a horse’s ass.”

“That’s a good thing,” Obama responds and begins rambling on once more.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, “Hard to fool them flies, though.”

New; Anti Terrorist Camera

Say Cheeeeeeese!!

The Pope VS Pelosi

The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Mrs. Pelosi and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day they will rejoice!”

Pelosi replied, “I seriously doubt that with one little wave of your hand? Show me.”





















So the Pope slowly raises his hand and with lightning speed ................................................................................
.............he bitch slapped her!!

Government Health Warning

PLEASE read this carefully!!...I do not want this to happen to the people who mean so much to me.......

HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK

1. Open a new/ empty folder in your computer.

2. Name it 'barack obama'.

3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.

4. Empty the Recycle Bin.

5. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'barack obama?'

6. Firmly Click 'Yes.'

7. Feel better?



GOOD! – Tomorrow we'll do nancy pelosi.

Jerk-In-The-Box

obama, change, "new jobs"? OH NO!!

Church Boobs

There was this small church down in Texas that had a very big-busted
Organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she
Played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation
Considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be
Done about this or they would have to get another Organist.

So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to
'Mash up some green Persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts
And maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her not to eat any of the
Green Persimmons, though, 'because they are so sour they will make your mouth
Pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while'.

She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said....


'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hath a thermon
Tewday.'

Happy Birthday Prank Call Gone Wrong.

Husband thinks it’d be funny to prank call his wife on her birthday, turns out, not so funny.
He tricks her into thinking he got fired for having ‘relations’ with his secretary, she’s so mad she spills the beans, Oops!

"CASH FOR CODGERS"

Democrats, realizing the big success of the President's "Cash For Clunkers" rebate program, have revamped a major portion of the Obama Nationalization - Health Care Plan.

President Obama, Speaker Pelosi, and Sen. Reid are expected to make this major announcement at a joint news conference later this week. I have obtained an advanced copy of the proposal which is named....

"CASH FOR CODGERS" It works like this... Couples wishing to access health care funds in order to pay for the delivery of a child will be required to turn in one old person on the day of delivery. The amount the government grants them will be fixed according to a sliding scale.

Older and more 'prescription dependent' codgers will garner the highest amounts. Special 'Bonuses' will be paid for those submitting codgers in targeted groups, such as smokers, alcohol drinkers, persons 10 pounds over their government prescribed weight, and any member of the Republican Party.

Smaller bonuses will be given for codgers who consume beef, soda, fried foods, potato chips, lattes, whole milk, dairy products, bacon, Brussels sprouts, cheese, or Girl Scout Cookies.

All codgers will be rendered totally useless via a toxic injection - similar to that given to the engines of the 'clunker' trade ins. This will insure that they, like the vehicle 'clunkers', are not secretly resold (traded in) or their body parts harvested to keep other codgers in repair and among society.

Maybe We can create an organization and rent ourselves out for trade-in . . .