Thursday, August 12, 2010

Subject: History: Fair and Balanced

    For those that don't know about history ... Here is a condensed

      Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
      hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the
      summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the

      The two most important events in all of history were the invention of
      beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get
      man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and
      together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two
      distinct subgroups:

      1 . Liberals
      2. Conservatives.

      Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the
      beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can
      were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around
      waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the
      brewery. That's how villages were formed.

      Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at
      night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what
      is known as the Conservative movement...

      Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live
      off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing
      the sewing, fetching, and making art. This was the beginning of the
      Liberal movement.

      Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. They became
      known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the
      domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs,
      and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat
      and beer that conservatives provided.

      Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest,
      most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are
      symbolized by the jackass for obvious reasons.

      Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer
      white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like
      their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard
      liberal fare..
      Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have
      higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers,
      personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in    Hollywood and
      group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated
      hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

      Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud or Miller. They eat red
      meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game
      hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen,
      medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives,
      athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally
      anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire
      other conservatives who want to work for a living.

      Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers
      and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans
      are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals
      remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to  America  . They
      crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of
      trying to get more for nothing.

      Here ends today's lesson in world history:

      It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to
angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

      A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute
      truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other
true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.

      And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true
      self.....I'm going to have another beer!!!
Hat Tip; Kack

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

That about says it all!